Conversation Guide: Siblings and Financial POA: Having the "Who Should It Be" Conversation

Before the Conversation

Preparation Checklist

• Research basic POA responsibilities and requirements in your state

• Gather family financial information and responsibilities overview

• Consider each sibling's strengths, limitations, and relationship with parents

• Reflect on geographic proximity and time availability of each sibling

• Prepare a list of potential shared responsibilities regardless of who becomes agent

• Consider consulting with an elder law attorney about co-agent possibilities

• Schedule a time when all siblings can participate without distractions

• Decide if parents should be part of initial conversation or brought in later

Mindset Reminders

• This is about what's best for your parents, not personal status

• Financial POA is a responsibility, not a privilege or sign of favoritism

• Every sibling can have meaningful roles in parents' care, regardless of legal designation

• Transparency builds trust; secrecy breeds suspicion

• The goal is unified family support, not competing interests

• Acknowledge that emotions may run high and that's normal

• This conversation may require multiple sessions to resolve

Starting the Conversation

Opening Approaches

• Frame as a family planning discussion, not a competition

• Begin by acknowledging the importance of everyone's input

• Start with the shared goal: supporting parents effectively

• Present as a collaborative decision with shared accountability

• Focus on practical considerations first before discussing specific people

Conversation Starters

• "I think we all want what's best for Mom and Dad. Let's talk about how we can work together to support their financial needs."

• "Since we need to make decisions about Power of Attorney, I thought it would be good for us all to discuss it together."

• "Before we discuss who might take on which responsibilities, let's make sure we all understand what POA actually involves."

• "I value all of your perspectives. How do you think we should approach this decision about financial POA?"

• "This isn't about who Mom and Dad trust more—it's about figuring out the most practical arrangement for everyone."

During the Conversation

Effective Communication Strategies

• Use "we" and "us" language to maintain a collaborative tone

• List the responsibilities of a financial POA agent before discussing who should take on the role

• Acknowledge each sibling's existing contributions to family care

• Focus on practical factors: proximity, time availability, financial expertise, relationship with parents

• Discuss how transparency and accountability will work regardless of who becomes agent

• Explore options for shared responsibility (co-agents where legal, or primary/backup roles)

• Establish expectations for regular communication and reporting to all siblings

• Take breaks if emotions escalate; avoid rushing to a decision in one sitting

Addressing Common Concerns

If a sibling says...	You might respond...
"Mom always trusted me more with money matters."	"I know Mom values your financial skills. Let's consider everyone's strengths objectively and think about what arrangement would be most practical for the whole family."
"I do everything else for them already. This is too much."	"You've taken on a lot of responsibility, which we all appreciate. Maybe financial POA could be someone else's way of sharing the load. What duties could we redistribute to make things more balanced?"
"You just want control of their money."	"I understand this can bring up concerns. What checks and balances would make you comfortable if any of us took on this role? Perhaps regular financial reports to all siblings?"
"I live closest, so it should be me."	"Living nearby is definitely helpful for many aspects of care. For financial matters specifically, what other factors should we consider beyond proximity?"
"I don't want to be caught in the middle if there are disagreements."	"That's a valid concern. Let's discuss how decisions would be made and how we'd handle disagreements regardless of who becomes the agent."
"Why are we even talking about this? They're fine."	"They are doing well now, which actually makes this the perfect time to plan. If we wait until there's a crisis, it will be much harder to make thoughtful decisions."
"What if we can't agree on who it should be?"	"If we can't reach consensus, we could consider a neutral third party like a trust company, or ask our parents who they would prefer while offering our united support for their choice."
"I feel left out of decisions about Mom and Dad."	"I'm sorry you've felt excluded. That's exactly why having this conversation together is so important. How can we ensure everyone feels informed and involved going forward?"

Moving Forward

Next Steps to Suggest

• Schedule a follow-up conversation with concrete proposals

• Create a shared document outlining agreed responsibilities for each sibling

• Meet with parents together to discuss family recommendations

• Consult with an elder law attorney as a family to understand all options

• Establish regular family meetings or calls to maintain communication

• Create a system for financial transparency regardless of who becomes agent

• Consider a trial period with clear evaluation criteria

• Develop a backup plan if the chosen arrangement doesn't work out

Following Up

• Send a summary email of discussion points and decisions to all siblings

• Check in individually with siblings who seemed uncomfortable during the discussion

• Share resources about POA responsibilities with all family members

• Acknowledge and appreciate each person's contributions to the conversation

• Set a specific date for the next family discussion

• Suggest smaller committees for specific aspects (e.g., bill paying, investments, tax preparation)

Sample Dialogue

Sibling 1: "Thanks everyone for making time for this call. Mom and Dad mentioned they want to update their financial Power of Attorney, and I thought we should talk about it together before they make any decisions."

Sibling 2: "Why are we discussing this? Isn't it their decision who they choose?"

Sibling 1: "Of course it's ultimately their decision, but I think they'd appreciate our input. More importantly, I want to make sure that whoever takes on this responsibility has the support of everyone in the family. This affects all of us."

Sibling 3: "I assumed they'd choose you, Lisa, since you're the accountant in the family."

Sibling 1: "My background might be helpful, but there are lots of considerations beyond financial expertise. Mark lives closest to them, Sarah has the most flexible schedule, and you have the closest relationship with Dad. Before we even discuss who, I think we should talk about what this role actually involves."

Sibling 2: "That makes sense. What exactly would the financial POA person need to do?"

Sibling 1: "It could range from paying their bills if they're temporarily unable to, to managing all their finances if they become incapacitated. The person would need time to review statements, organize documents, potentially pay bills, and keep records. They'd also need to communicate regularly with all of us about financial decisions."

Sibling 3: "When you put it that way, it sounds like a lot of work for one person."

Sibling 1: "It can be. That's why I wanted to discuss if we might suggest a primary agent and a backup, or even co-agents if that's possible in their state. We could also divide responsibilities informally, where the POA person handles the legal aspects but delegates certain tasks."

Sibling 2: "I worry about conflicts if we disagree on financial decisions. How would that work?"

Sibling 1: "That's an important question. What if we established some ground

rules? Perhaps any discretionary expense over $500 requires consulting with all siblings, and we have quarterly family calls to review finances together."

Sibling 3: "I'd feel more comfortable with that kind of transparency. To be honest, I was worried about being left in the dark."

Sibling 1: "I completely understand that concern. Whatever we decide, I think regular communication is non-negotiable. Should we discuss each of our situations to consider who might be in the best position to take this on?"

Sibling 2: "Before we do that, can we agree that whoever becomes the POA agent isn't 'winning' something? This is a responsibility, not a prize."

Sibling 3: "Absolutely. And can we also agree that all of us will have important roles in supporting Mom and Dad, regardless of who has the legal authority?"

Sibling 1: "Those are both really important points. This isn't about status or favoritism—it's about creating the most effective support system for Mom and Dad. Let's talk about our individual situations now, but with the understanding that we're looking for the most practical arrangement where everyone remains involved."

Sibling 2: "That approach makes me feel much better about this whole conversation."