Conversation Guide: Family Discussions About Inheritance

Before the Conversation

Preparation Checklist

• Reflect on your motivations and emotional readiness for this discussion

• Research basic estate planning concepts to understand the terminology

• Consider creating a list of specific items or assets that hold particular importance to you

• Think about your parents' values and what might matter most to them in their legacy planning

• Identify potential sensitivities or family dynamics that could influence the conversation

• Gather information about professional resources (estate attorneys, mediators, financial advisors) that might be helpful

• Choose an appropriate time and setting when everyone can be present without distractions

Mindset Reminders

• This is a conversation, not a negotiation or claim-staking

• Listen more than you speak

• Respect your parents' agency in decision-making

• Be patient - this may require multiple conversations

• Focus on understanding, not outcomes

• Remember that fair doesn't always mean equal

• Consider this an opportunity to express gratitude for family bonds

• Acknowledge that emotions are natural when discussing end-of-life matters

Starting the Conversation

Opening Approaches

• The indirect approach: "I recently read about a family whose lack of planning caused significant problems. It made me wonder if we should talk about our own family's future plans."

• The personal experience opener: "After helping [friend/relative] deal with their family estate issues, I realized how important these conversations are, even though they can be uncomfortable."

• The planning-focused approach: "I've been thinking about getting my own affairs in order, and it made me wonder if you've thought about your own plans and if there's anything you'd like us to know."

• The collaborative invitation: "I value our family's history and the things that have been important to you. I'd like to understand more about how you envision preserving those connections in the future."

• The care-centered opener: "I want to make sure that when the time comes, we honor your wishes exactly as you'd want. Would you be willing to share what those wishes are?"

Conversation Starters

• "I've noticed the story behind [specific family heirloom] means a lot to you. I'd love to hear more about what makes it special and what you hope happens to it in the future."

• "Are there particular items in our home that have stories or significance I might not know about?"

• "Have you thought about what you'd want us to know about your wishes if something unexpected happened?"

• "I've heard that planning ahead can give peace of mind. Have you considered what arrangements would feel right to you?"

• "Some families have traditions about passing down certain items. Are there traditions you'd like to establish or continue in our family?"

During the Conversation

Effective Communication Strategies

• Use "I" statements to express feelings without accusation: "I sometimes worry about not knowing what would be most important to you."

• Validate emotions that arise: "It makes sense that this is difficult to talk about. It's because we care about each other."

• Practice active listening: "It sounds like you're saying that family harmony is more important to you than equal distribution. Is that right?"

• Create space for storytelling: "Could you tell me more about when you received this from your grandmother?"

• Acknowledge discomfort: "I know this isn't an easy topic, and I appreciate your willingness to discuss it."

• Focus on values rather than valuables: "What principles would you want to guide these decisions?"

• Redirect if tensions rise: "Let's take a step back and remember we're having this conversation because we care about each other."

• Express gratitude throughout: "Thank you for being open to this discussion. It means a lot to me."

• Summarize understanding: "So from what you've shared, it seems your main concerns are..."

Addressing Common Concerns

If they say...	You might respond...
"I don't want to think about these things yet."	"I understand this can be uncomfortable. We don't need to make any decisions today. Would it help to start with just sharing some of the stories behind special items in our family?"
"I plan to divide everything equally."	"That's certainly straightforward. Are there any specific items that might have special meaning to particular family members that you've considered?"
"I'm worried talking about this will cause family conflict."	"That's a valid concern. Perhaps we could agree on some ground rules for our discussion to ensure it stays respectful. The goal isn't to decide who gets what, but to understand your wishes and values."
"This feels like you're just concerned about what you'll get."	"I can see how it might seem that way, and I apologize if it came across like that. My primary concern is understanding what matters to you and ensuring your wishes are honored. The items themselves matter far less than knowing what you want."
"I've already made all the arrangements."	"That's wonderful that you've been proactive. Would you be comfortable sharing the general outline of your plans? Not the details, but just so we understand your thinking and can be prepared to honor your wishes."
"I haven't thought about my personal belongings yet."	"That's completely understandable. Perhaps we could start by just identifying items that have special stories or significance in our family history. This isn't about distribution, just about preserving those memories and connections."
"Your siblings and I need to discuss this privately first."	"Of course, I respect that. Would it be helpful to have a family meeting after you've had those discussions? I'm available whenever you feel the time is right."
"Why are you bringing this up now? Is something wrong?"	"Nothing specific prompted this, except my desire to make sure we have these important conversations while we have the time and clarity to do so. Many families regret waiting until a crisis to discuss these matters."

Moving Forward

Next Steps to Suggest

• Consider meeting with an estate planning attorney to formalize wishes

• Create a family inventory of items with significant emotional or historical value

• Document stories and memories associated with family heirlooms

• Discuss creating an ethical will (a document that shares values, life lessons, and wishes)

• Explore options like a family council or regular discussions about legacy planning

• Research family mediation resources for more complex situations

• Suggest resources that provide guidance on fair distribution methods

• Propose a follow-up conversation after everyone has had time to reflect

Following Up

• Express appreciation for the willingness to have the conversation

• Summarize key insights or decisions in writing (if appropriate)

• Share relevant articles or resources that might be helpful

• Check in periodically but without pressure

• Be patient with the process, recognizing that comfort levels may vary

• Acknowledge that plans may evolve over time

• Remember to continue these conversations in the context of regular family gatherings and connections

• Focus on creating ongoing opportunities to share family stories and history

Sample Dialogue

Initial Conversation

Adult Child: "Mom and Dad, I wanted to find some time to talk with you about something that's been on my mind lately. My friend Sarah's family just went through some difficulties after her grandmother passed away without clear instructions about her belongings. It created some tension among family members who each thought certain items should go to them. It made me realize how important it might be for us to have some conversations about these things while we can do it thoughtfully, without any pressure or immediate decisions needed."

Parent: "Are you worried about something specific? We're not planning on going anywhere anytime soon."

Adult Child: "I know, and I'm grateful for that. This isn't about expecting anything to happen soon. It's more about understanding what matters to you. For example, I've always loved hearing the story about Grandma's china cabinet, but I don't know if there are other stories about special items in our home that I haven't heard. I'd love to know more about the things that have meaning to you and the history behind them."

Parent: "Well, I suppose there are quite a few things around here with stories you might not know. I've never really thought about making a plan for all of it."

Adult Child: "Would it be helpful if we started just by sharing some of those stories? Maybe we could even take some time to record them or write them down. That way, whatever happens in the future, those memories and connections won't be lost. And if there are particular things you'd want specific people to have someday, we could note that too, but only if you're comfortable with that."

Parent: "That actually sounds like it could be nice. There's the clock in the hallway that came from your great-grandfather's house. Did I ever tell you about how he acquired that?"

Adult Child: "I don't think I've heard that story. I'd love to know more about it and other special items too. Maybe we could set aside some time this weekend to look at a few things together? I could bring a notebook, or even record our conversation on my phone if you're comfortable with that."

Parent: "That sounds good. It might be nice to have those stories preserved for the grandchildren too."

Adult Child: "Thank you for being open to this. I really appreciate it. And just so you know, this isn't about 'things' for me - it's about understanding what matters to you and making sure your wishes are respected."

Follow-Up Conversation

Adult Child: "I really enjoyed our conversation last weekend about the family heirlooms and their histories. I learned so much I never knew about our family. I typed up the notes I took about each item and the stories behind them. Would you like me to print a copy for you to keep and maybe add to over time?"

Parent: "Yes, I'd like that. It got me thinking about other things too—not just objects but some of our more practical arrangements."

Adult Child: "I'm glad it was helpful. If there are practical matters you're thinking about, I'm happy to listen, or if you prefer, I could help research professional resources like estate planning attorneys who could provide proper guidance."

Parent: "Your father and I have basic wills, but we've never really discussed specifics about personal items. I realize now there might be things that have special meaning to each of you kids that we weren't aware of."

Adult Child: "That's a thoughtful perspective. Would it be useful to have a casual family conversation where each of us might share if there are particular items that hold special memories for us? Not to stake claims, but just to share those connections? I know the wooden train set always reminds me of those Saturday mornings when Dad would play with us."

Parent: "I think that would be nice, actually. And it would help us understand what might be meaningful to each of you. But I want to be clear that we'll make the final decisions, and we may not be able to accommodate everyone's wishes."

Adult Child: "Absolutely. These are your belongings and completely your decisions. The value for us would be in sharing those memories and giving you information that might be helpful whenever you do make those decisions. Would it work to perhaps have that conversation when we're all together for the holidays?"

Parent: "Yes, that sounds like a good time. And thank you for bringing this up in a way that feels like it's about the memories and not just the things."

Adult Child: "The memories and your peace of mind are what matter most. I'm grateful we can have these conversations."